About five and a half years ago, I wrote up a blog on Abuse Prevention based on a workshop I went to. I had the opportunity to attend another training recently, put on by the SAFE Alliance (Stop Abuse For Everyone). For simplicity's sake, I will be focusing on the Intellectual Disability population when talking about sexuality and abuse. (Prepare yourself, this can be a heavy topic)
SEXUALITY MYTHS
First, let's dispel a couple myths about individuals with disabilities and sexuality:
MYTH: If people don't talk about love/ sex, they are not sexual
Not true! There are lots of different ways that desire is manifested.
MYTH: If parents don't think their child is ready to date, they don't need sex education
False again! Sex education needs to come based on a person's biological age, not their intellectual age. Biology happens to us all!
MYTH: Separating boys and girls during sex education is the factor that will make students most comfortable.
Okay, this one tricked me during class. I wasn't sure about it when my class was asked, and the answer is actually false! The universal #1 factor in what made students comfortable during sex education is how relaxed the instructor is. Once that was explained, I agreed.
MYTH: People with disabilities don't have sexual desires
That is right, FALSE yet again! Very often, the disabled population is de-sexualized. People assume that if a person has an intellectual disability, there are no sexual desires. But that is wrong. Remember what I said about biological age? Still true! Those hormones will kick in, regardless of your IQ.
MYTH: People are safer when they don't date.
Wrong again. The disabled population is at an extremely high risk for abuse. I went into that a bit more in the old blog, and will touch on it later.
So, with all those myths, what DO we do? How can we keep our kids with Intellectual Disability safe?
1. BUILD RELATIONSHIPS!!! Far and away the best thing to keep your child safe is to help them build friendships and healthy relationships with trusted peers and adults. Everyone needs a community support network to rely on. If a person with a disability only has one or two people in their life, and one of those people abuses them, who would they turn to? Create and maintain strong relationships and friendships! Victims of abuse are MUCH more likely to confide in a trusted adult as opposed to a counselor or crisis hotline.
2. Encourage self-determination! Self-determination means the belief that you can and will control your own life. It is fueled by the knowledge that you have options available, and can make choices for yourself. If you know that you are not stuck with only one option and have the agency to choose something else, you will feel empowered to determine the course of your own life.
3. Teach Self-Advocacy! One of the reasons as to why people with Intellectual Disability are so easy to abuse is the compliance training that they are taught. 'Obey people giving you instructions, always.' This philosophy, well-meaning and intended to reduce problem behaviors, also harms a person's ability to identify boundaries and advocate for themselves. Self-advocacy is crucial for safety. Give them the ability to say NO and respect it!
3b. Note on NO: What if my child is saying NO, but they still have to do something? What if they have to take a bath, clean up toys, or have a diaper changed? It is for their own hygiene/ safety, and I do expect them to do their chores. What then?
In that situation, acknowledge you hear their no, then explain the reasoning behind what you are requiring of them, and let them know ahead of time what you will be doing "I hear you saying no, but I have to wipe your bum to get all the poop off so you don't get sick." Encourage their participation as much as possible to help them develop autonomy.
4. Practice Physical Affection Boundaries: Let your child dictate when they are willing to give consent. This goes for hugs, kisses, touching, sharing, borrowing, and secrets. Ask for permission for these things "Do you want a hug?" to give them the opportunity to say yes or no with optional things, particularly related to physical affection, privacy, and personal boundaries. Healthy relationships never take away someone's choice. Boundary building doesn't happen over night, so you need consistent practice, repetition, and time.
Cool/ Not Cool Game
I am excited to look at the curriculum that the SAFE Alliance is putting out soon. We trialed an easy game to play with kids to help them learn what some healthy boundaries are. You introduce a scenario, and then have your kids do thumbs up for "Cool" or thumbs down for "Not Cool."
Some sample situations:
- Your romantic partner says "Don't eat cake or you will get fat!" (not cool)
- Your job coach yells at you because you made a mistake at work (not cool)
- You are having a bad day, and a friend asks to give you a hug (cool)
- Your friend slaps your butt and when you get upset, they say it was just a joke (not cool)
- More than 70% of people with IDD have been victims of abuse
- Most who were abused experienced that abuse on more than 20 occasions
- Less than half of those incidents were reported, and of those reported, only 10% of reported incidents led to an arrest
- Women with IDD have a 7x higher risk of being sexually assaulted
- Men with IDD have a 1.5x higher risk of being sexually assaulted
- 97-99% of victims knew and trusted their abuser
- 44% of victims had a relationship with the abuser specifically due to disability (hired caregiver, aide, etc)
- Abuse can occur anywhere, but is especially high in institutional settings
- Learned compliance
- Lack of privacy
- Lack of awareness
- Isolation
- Extended periods alone with one person
- Signs of physical abuse- headaches, stomachaches, bruising, etc.
- Increased fear and distrust
- Change in mood or appetite
- Loss of skills
- Denial
- Angry outbursts
- Anxiety
- Sleep disruption
- Nightmares
- Distracted/ distraught
- Sudden change in appetite
- Refusal to talk about a secret
- Writes/ draws/ plays of a sexual nature
- Suddenly has money, toys, or gifts without reason (part of the grooming process)
- Think of body as repulsive or dirty or bad
- Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language, and knowledge
- Sudden mood swings
- Maintain a 2 adult present rule for your child. Write into your child's IEP that you need two adults within viewing distance of your child at all times
- Get training for yourself
- Coordinate a training for your child's school/ staff. If they know you are aware and watching for signs of abuse, the likelihood of abuse decreases drastically (because there is nothing scarier than the parent whose disabled child has been wronged)
- Build a community of strong, healthy relationships for your child
- Help your child practice healthy boundaries
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