Monday, July 22, 2019

Better, Not Bitter

I have felt bitter lately. 

I felt bitter that I was deprived of the healthy, typically developing daughters I had imagined I would have.

I felt bitter that we have so many medical expenses.

I felt bitter that the school special ed employees don't care about my child as much as I thought they should.

I felt bitter that other families can go on vacations and trips when I feel stuck at home for forever wiping bottoms and correcting behavior.

I felt bitter about the lack of government help, the scarcity of friends, the difficulty in my life, my lack of time and energy and sleep, my extra weight, about everything!

And then I realized-

I am tired of being bitter. 

I am tired of wasting my energy on an emotion that gets me nowhere. 

Bitterness doesn't help my child get services.

Bitterness doesn't build friendships for me or my child.

Bitterness doesn't help me enjoy the time I have with my children when I am constantly resenting their level of needs. 

I want to be better, not bitter. 

I know that if I hadn't been given my two daughters with SATB2 Associated Syndrome, I would have had a different trial. 

Perhaps I would have ended up in an abusive relationship. Or had a child or spouse pass away. Or never have been able to have children when I wanted them so badly. 

Every day, we hear stories that tug at our heart strings. Stories about people facing insurmountable challenges and still rising up to not only meet those challenges, but to conquer them and come out stronger!

When a tree is maturing, it's roots grow deeper and stronger during droughts. When winds and rains come, that tree is strengthened so it can withstand the blows coming it's way. 

Instead of wasting my energy crying foul play, about how I was cheated out of the life I should have had, I want to fully embrace the life I have been gifted. 

I want to be better, not bitter.

I want to have peace in my life and enjoy each day.

I want to view challenges as refining moments.

I want to love my children regardless of their abilities or disabilities, and not view them as a cross to be borne or as a burden.

I want to be content with the life I have, not jealous of the lives other people post about on social media.

I want to remember the pain of my trials, not so I am bitter about it, but so I can have more compassion for others in their trials. 

I want to be the parent I WANT to be, to be proactive, cheerful, and fun.

I want to be grateful each morning that the Lord has granted me another day to be alive and experience life, regardless of how many potty accidents I need to clean up!

I am in no way perfect at this. Right now, I am not even good at this! But I am trying. And will continue to try! 

And hopefully one day in the future, I will have this figured out!