Parenting a SATB2 child (2 SATB2 children now, actually!) can not only be scary, it can be terrifying. There is so much that I am afraid of.
What if my child gets abused and can't tell anyone?
How will we be able to financially prepare for the future when all her needs right now are using almost everything we have?
Will she ever have real friends, not just people being nice because she has a disability?
Is she getting a real education, or is the school just providing mediocre babysitting?
Does she feel loved enough when I am constantly correcting her misbehaviors?
Who will take care of her when Derek and I are gone?
The list goes on and on.
And those are all, real, legitimate fears.
In church on Sunday, we reviewed the talk "Be Not Troubled". At first, as the women in my church group discussed it, I felt like many of the things didn't apply to me.
They spoke of standing in holy places so we can feel the Spirit, and I thought, "How can I go worship when I can only sometimes find time to shower?"
They spoke of how we need to have faith instead of fear. I thought that my fears were too great to overcome.
But as I pondered about it, I realized that all these principles still apply to me, and that my faith in Christ's love and atonement is greater than any fear I could possibly have. Ronald A Rasband, who delivered this talk, said "Since ancient times, fear has limited the perspective of God's children."
I CAN stand in holy places. Perhaps I can't go monthly to the temple to worship, but I can do my best to pray always and make my home a sanctuary from the world, and feel the Spirit's presence there.
I CAN remember that after death, our family will be together forever, all of us whole and without imperfection. That is the perspective I need to remember when I am afraid of tomorrow. Tomorrow means nothing when compared to eternity.
Yes, my fears are very real, and sometimes seem insurmountable. It is hard to think about forever when I am scared of my child hurting right now.
But I also know that Christ can heal any heart. I try to remember that while imperfect, I am still doing the best I can, and will continue to do so. I am not a peaceful, kind, or happy mother when I am constantly freaking out about the unknown future.
These fears are a way for me to realize the areas of my life that I need to focus on, work at, and gain confidence in, but if I am paralyzed by fear, what is accomplished?
So as I continue to prepare for the future, I can invest the emotional energy previously spent on fear into loving my children and preparing a path forward, so that as we step forward into the future, we will do so unified and strong, ready for whatever comes our way.