Do NOT Say This

1. Please remove the word "retarded" (hereafter called The R Word) from your vocabulary, at least around me and my child. For someone whose child is actually diagnosed as intellectually impaired (the current label), it is completely and utterly crushing to hear that word tossed around, to hear people make fun of others for doing foolish things, as if to be associated with anyone like my daughter is horrible.

2. "I'm sure she will grow out of it" Really? My child will grow out of the genetic syndrome? I know this one is meant well, and people want my child to be successful and for me to feel better. The thing is, I already consider her a success for who she is right now, and having a child with special needs means that I have some downs. If I am sharing something about my child with you, I most likely need a friend to listen, not a Band-Aid answer.

3. "Is it because you vaccinated/ didn't vaccinate her?" I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people, but I have gotten this so many times from strangers! They automatically assume that my child has issues because we got he vaccinated. And there are other moms who get looked down on because they don't vaccinate their children. I mean, good grief people! Stop the mom bashing already! We are all doing our best!

4. "Have you tried ________?" Darling, unless you have a PhD and invested every single spare hour you have for my child's entire lifetime on researching and studying, I probably already know all about what you are telling me about. If you are a professional and familiar with my child and the interventions we are doing, bring on the advice! But I get advice like, "You should talk to her more" or "Have you tried singing to her?" What do you think I do, lock her in a closet??? It is insulting to suggest that I don't read to and talk to my kid, because it feels (not intended, I'm sure) that you think it is my fault that my kid is the way she is.

5. "You medicate your child??" Again, let's stop the mom bashing, and yes, I do medicate my daughter. I would prefer for her to not have seizures, and no, there is not a diet that will help with this.

 

6. God only gives you what you can handle!" This one I actually don't mind hearing because I know people mean it with the best of intentions, but let me explain my beliefs here. I think God gives everyone more than we can presently handle. Constantly! How else would we grow and become better? You wouldn’t give up teaching a first grader how to read because they couldn’t right then, you keep teaching and testing, and they will cry, and say that they don’t get it, that it is hard, they don’t want to, but you keep at it, and eventually they get it. God is the greatest teacher of all, and he knows what will scope us into better people. I really, really try to remember that, because this is FOR SURE the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

7. "I know how you feel" If someone says this who doesn't have a kid with special needs, I get annoyed. My instant thought is "No! You have no idea whatsoever how I feel!" I wouldn't ever tell a mom whose child has cancer that I know how she feels, because I don't! Not in the slightest! At the same time, I love love LOVE hearing "I know how you feel" from someone who actually does know. That makes me feel far less alone.

8. "Oh, it's not too bad!" Bet me. Yes, some days are great! Other days they are not. Please don't assume that by seeing me on a good day means that all my days are good.

Please don't think you shouldn't talk to me! I also wrote a different blog about great things to say to special needs moms! We love sincere questions about our children!!! Please don't feel scared to talk to us!